Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
