My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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