Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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