I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
