From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
