There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
