My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
