Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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