Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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