And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
