I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
