That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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