Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
