My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
