Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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