alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
