it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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