take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
