I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
