Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
