anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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