i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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