Someone shit on the floor
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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