i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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