Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
