i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
