Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
