i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
