FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
