I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
