There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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