I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
