Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
