So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
50% drunk capacity currently
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
