Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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