I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i love accidental penises.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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