Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
