I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
