Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
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