im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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