I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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