It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
