my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
