listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
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