Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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