dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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