The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
