My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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