I'm so fucking centered right now
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Two words: blizzard sex
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
