there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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