If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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