Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
