It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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