Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
