The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
