I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
