I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
