we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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